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Copyright 2011, John Swinconeck. Work previously appearing elsewhere created by John Swinconeck and reproduced with kind permission.

Spring, and bikers, in bloomSpring_and_bikers_in_bloom.html
Spring. More than a legend, spring has become a mythical season in Maine. Falling before summer and directly after Muddom, at thirty-six hours, spring is our most swift season. Your grass changes from pale and sickly to lush and green, and will have to be mowed once every four hours before becoming ...Spring_and_bikers_in_bloom.html
My fish is betta than yours, BudMy_fish_is_betta.html
I always swore to myself that I’d never be one of those writers who, in newspaper columns, prattle endlessly about the wit and wisdom of their pets. Even when Miami Herald humor columnist Dave Barry (who I suspect all newspaper writers and editors secretly want to be) writes about his dogs ...My_fish_is_betta.html
How I got to be as tough as nailsTough_as_Nails.html
I am pleased to announce that, after two consecutive weekends, I have yet to nail myself to anything animal, vegetable or mineral. You see, about two weeks ago, my friend Donovan and I, after months of planning, started a new carpentry project: Man Center 2000 ...Tough_as_Nails.html
I’m sorry to inform you: Maint Req’dTough_as_Nails.html
Every once in a while, my car’s dashboard will glow with the sickly yellow color of the “Maint Req’d” light. This is computer-talk for, “There’s something wrong with me. You’ll never guess what!” According to my very limited understanding of these newfangled horseless carriages, the light is ...Maint_Req.html
Revenge of the killer sweatpantsRevenge_of_the_killer_sweatpants.html
I have a very stern warning for any male between the ages of 12 and 16. Listen carefully, because it may save your life: Kmart is trying to kill you. I had always thought of Kmart as good, as in a “I have to choose between paying for my rent or my oxygen tent” sort of way ...Revenge_of_the_killer_sweatpants.html

A few pompous circumstances

It’s June, and that can mean only one thing: Never-ending streams of high school graduations. Sure, graduation is a unique day for parents who are celebrating the expulsion of their children, finally, out of the house. But I’ve worked for nine years in newspapers, and I have covered countless ...

More Spicy Sweet Chili, pleaseChili.html
America. Land of greatness, land of opportunity. Home of the free. Land of the brave. Haven for weirdoes, though not as bad as France. Perhaps our country’s greatest accomplishment, even better than the Bill of Rights, has to be the melting pot that has made pizza, burgers, bacon, cheesecake ...Chili.html
Time fliesTime_Flies.html
I ended 2008 by visiting relatives in Kentucky, a state known for thoroughbred racing and bourbon, a combination I can’t approve of, simply because it’s unfair to allow horses to consume alcohol ...Time_Flies.html
Pete’s passingPetes_Passing.html
I hadn’t felt too badly about the passing of Pete. I felt somber and sad, but despite seeing his face almost every workday for the last two years, it wasn’t all that bad. But today I keenly missed Pete’s beady dark eyes, his furry hands, his stripes. Pete came to the newsroom in 2007 after the passing of ...Petes_Passing.html

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